Testimony
From a very young age I doubted that I was saved.
I did not believe that I could receive God's mercy because I knew that I didn't deserve it.
I hearkened to voices of doubt and fear which resulted in an inability to see the truth.
Consequences of False Beliefs
The consequences of my beliefs began to compound over the next decade.
I had a poor self-image which caused me to withdraw from relationships. I thought, "I have nothing of value to offer anyone. I'll just stay out of the way and avoid embarrassing myself."
I became obsessed with work as a means to feel like I was developing skills and accomplishing things that had some perceived sense of significance.
Stress caused me to feel depressed, fatigued, and to have inflammatory stomach problems which made it difficult to breath and sleep.
I developed a form of OCD which compelled me to constantly figure out what was wrong with me and fix it. Even if there was nothing to fix I believed that there was. All my thoughts revolved around the idea that I was inadequate and unworthy of love.
I became so miserable that there was no joy or peace in my life and I frequently contemplated the desire to have never been born.
Pursuit of Purpose
Getting to the low point where I wished I didn't exist was the start of a turning point for me.
I decided that I was unwilling to end my own life because I feared God.
I believed that I was an eternal being created by God for a purpose, and I decided that I was either going to fulfill that purpose or die trying.
The way in which I began seeking to fulfill my purpose was not to trust in God, but to seek to achieve a level of perfection that would merit His favor.
One of the ways in which I attempted this was by performing a strict morning routine of prayer and Bible reading.
After a few days of doing well, I would fail at my morning routine and begin sleeping in. Then I would try a different morning routine and repeat the same process over and over again. I did this for years thinking, "If only I do good enough, God will save me." This was a form of pride in thinking I could solve my own problems while attempting to cling to my doubts and fears.
After failing again and again, I realized I couldn't do things on my own. I needed help.
God gives grace to the humble. If you want to change, humility is required.
I talked with my parents about the struggles I was having in my faith. I also received counsel from my pastors and other mentors in my life who encouraged me and helped hold me accountable to renew my mind and fight the spiritual battle I was going through.
Things haven't changed over night, but my faith has grown and God has been with me every step of the way.
Lessons Learned
Here are some of the lessons I've learned through my trials. I hope you find this encouraging and helpful in your own fight of faith.
Don't Struggle Alone
You become like those who you spend the most time with. Who are your friends? Do you have any mentors that bring correction and wisdom into your life? For many years I desired to change, but I did not seek help because of pride and excuses such as, "I don't want to be a waste of someone's time." Humble yourself and ask for help. Seek correction. Be willing to change. You can't do everything on your own. You need the wisdom and experience of others. You need the grace of God to empower your life and help you overcome sin and wrong thinking. Spend time with friends who are seeking God.
Prioritize Time With God Everyday
You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Don't just read the Bible and pray to get it off your checklist. Seek the Lord with all your heart. Do it because you desire to know Him and to glorify Him with your life not because you're looking to get something out of Him. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. He has given us everything we need for life and godliness. Jesus died for us. He is worthy of all we can give.
Read the Bible
This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success.
Your love for God should run parallel to your love for His Word. You don't love God anymore than you love His Word. If you are to be a true disciple of Jesus then you must continue in His Word. If you do not renew your mind with the scriptures then you will not be able to fight the accusations brought against you by Satan. How can you overcome lies if you do not know what is true?
Praise The Lord and He Will Fight Your Battles
When he had consulted with the people, he appointed those who sang to the Lord and those who praised Him in holy attire, as they went out before the army and said, “Give thanks to the Lord, for His faithfulness is everlasting.” When they began singing and praising, the Lord set ambushes against the sons of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir, who had come against Judah; so they were struck down.
When you are going through difficult times and are exhausted from fighting, it can be tempting to want to give up and let bitterness creep into your life. Sometimes you will feel like complaining about your circustances and speaking rashly. Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Give thanks to the Lord for His mercy and lovingkindness. Give thanks for the redemption that has been purchased on your behalf. Trust God and give Him praise. He will fight your battles as you step out in faith.
And the tempter came and said to Him, "If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread." But He answered and said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.'"
Memorize Scripture
When Satan came to tempt Jesus, Jesus' response was, "It is written..." To overcome the temptations and lies of the enemy you need to follow after Jesus' example and say, "It is written." If you do not know what is written, how will you fight? This is why I recommend you add scripture memorization to your daily devotional time. As you fill your mind with the Word, the Holy Spirit will bring it to your memory in those moments when you need it.
Fasting
“And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
There have been times in my life where my desire for God has waned. Often this has been due to other things bringing a form of temporary satisfaction. Good examples of this would be finding pride in your accomplishments at work, or spending excessive time on social media, TV, or video games. These things are not inherhently wrong but they become idols in our hearts if we do not moderate our thoughts and actions. Fasting is an important part of the Christian life by which we remove things that have stolen our hearts and replace them with God.
Don't Consult Your Feelings. Consult the Word of God.
We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
When struggling with thoughts like, "Am I really saved?" How is it that you can be sure that you are not right in what you think? Are you saved? Are you a failure? Is there any hope for you? You must depend on God's Word to answer questions like these. Ask yourself, "What does God's Word say about this?"
Get Uncomfortable
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
The most rewarding experiences of my life have been beyond my natural ability and preferred comfort level. Get involved in things where you know you'll need God's help. This will increase your faith, grace, and fulfillment. One example from my life is volunteering to teach in the children's ministry at church. I haven't had a lot of experience with children and by no means am I an extrovert. In fact, I think my social skills need quite a lot of work. However, every time I serve with the kids I sense the presence of God strongly in the room. God loves children and so do I. It doesn't matter if you don't have what it takes. God will use you if you are humble and willing.
Conclusion
God has brought me through incredibly difficult times which I never thought I would get through. I have been so blessed and I'm so thankful for all the help I've received along the way. If you are struggling right now, remember, don't do it alone. Seek God with all of your heart and you will find Him. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Be patient and endure through trials. You will receive the promises of God if you do not give up.